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I Wanna Hold Your Hand

When Lee and I first became a couple, like most people in love, we had a hard time not touching each other. There was no mistaking we were in love with each other. At the very least, we had to hold hands everywhere we went.

Every other relationship I had ever had, had been with a man. I never gave a thought before about holding hands in public or putting our arms around each other. Never had there been a sideways glance when I was part of the accepted norm. With Lee, I automatically reached for his hand. Then, I remembered. To the world we looked as two women holding hands. While lee dresses like a man and wears his hair short as a man’s, to most it is still obvious that his body is that of a woman’s. For many years, he lived as a lesbian, not even aware that what he felt had a name.

That’s another misconception. We, at least I did, assume that every one knows right away who and what they are. Yet, while Lee always identified with boys and men, he spent the first few decades of his life more confused than anything. He says that what he wished for on his 5th birthday was to wake up a boy. The morning after making that wish and blowing out those five candles, he was devastated to find he was still missing a penis.

He was raised in a strict Charismatic Christian home and prayers were prayed and demons even exorcised to rid him of the “abomination of homosexuality.” For a while, he tried to be female, followed by  a couple of decades living as a lesbian. He had been ridiculed all his life because he could not conform to his biology. I never had been.

So, when my automatic response to hold his hand was followed by the remembrance that we might be ridiculed, I clutched his hand even tighter and walked a tiny bit taller.

The church we ministered to then, was a New Thought Ministry. One would assume that people there would be totally accepting and embracing of such diversity. At the very least, they would accept our relationship out of the love they claimed to have for all people. Yet, even in that most accepting of arenas, one of the first comments I heard was, “I don’t care if they are together, I just don’t want my face rubbed in it.”

How is it when a heterosexual couple hold hands or walk with their arms around each other, they are certainly not rubbing anyone’s face in anything. Yet, when a same sex couple does, they are?

I admit though, that sometimes when we are in a public place now and I realize we not holding hands, I will grab Lee’s hand so that no one thinks for even a moment we are “just friends” and not a couple. So, I guess I am rubbing faces in it after all. I’m doing my small part to desensitize a world, that out of ignorance and thoughtlessness, can be insensitive. Sometimes we just have to get use to things. I’m delighted to help.


August 12, 2010 - Posted by | The Straight Me | , , , , , ,


  1. You have touched a very sensitive topic as most of the heterosexual world lives an oblivious life. They do not think of little things like holding hands, touching, having your partner’s photo on your work desk, talking about what you did on a weekend, and etc.
    There are so many aspects of our sexuality and our relationships that we do not realize.
    In short, you go girl!

    Comment by Dace | August 13, 2010 | Reply

  2. God is love, and people of faith preach his love, but when it comes to someone loving someone else the love fades and the God they put into a box devours them. Humans made God. Instead of letting Him/She be who He/She is (since God is a being and has no gender) the church has made up what they want Him/Her to be, instead of the caring always loving God He/She is.

    Comment by Erica | March 13, 2012 | Reply

    • Hi Erica,
      Thanks for visiting my blog. I completely agree. I especially agree with the part about our creating God in our own image/images.
      Judgemental- a judging God
      Fearful- a God to be feared
      Loving- a loving God
      Love, Allie

      Comment by New Allie | March 15, 2012 | Reply

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