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No Trans Ending

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Lee doesn’t read my blogs everyday. Sometimes, I read what I’ve written that day to him as he drives home from work. Often, he “catches up,” reading several at a time. On my blog about heart disease, I refer to him more as “her.” That blog is older and I’ve been writing about my heart journey longer than I’ve been specifically writing about being the spouse of a transman.

Very few people refer to the person I call my husband as “him” or “he.” When I began writing about heart disease, I was still referring to him as “her.” I have seldom changed in the way I address him on that site, sometimes still calling him Lisa rather than Lee. Though the transition of Lisa becoming more Lee has been his, it has also been mine. We both move around within the worlds around us, answering and addressing each other as situations and people expect us to and as we react and respond out of habit.

It is not for lack of respect that the pronouns are interchanged. It is because what you witness through these writings is our own journey, acceptance, education, understanding and acts of courage. I know no other woman whose husband is in the body of a woman rather than the body of a man. I know no other man who has had to reside in the body of a girl. I recently reunited with a niece who is MTF and for years worked as a successful drag queen. There, my personal experience in the world of trans ends.

I have however, known gay men and lesbians and wonder at times if some of them were as my Lee. Though “Out,” might they live as the wrong letter of LGBT? Where do I fit in this alphabetical equation? Do I fit and do I even need to?

As Lee was reading through some older entries the other day, he noticed that the more emotional I am as I write, the more likely I am to refer to him as her. Especially when I have written of an event that has angered me, I resort to the default mechanism of our relating to each other. I resort to what is safest in public and was also how we began.

Coming out as trans is not the same as coming out as gay or lesbian (not that coming out as gay or lesbian is in any way less traumatic or difficult!). For many, including Lee, I imagine it means coming out yet again. Lee knew he did not fit in his body. He knew he was not attracted to men. He knew he related more as a male, but he did not know that what he was, was something that anyone besides he was. He came out to family as lesbian.  Even when he learned there was another identity, another name, besides simply gay or straight, there was no big light bulb moment of awareness, either. Though he knew as early as age five that he wanted to be a boy, he was also not confident even at forty that it was okay to be who he really was. Perhaps to many, if not most, coming out once is all the pain and rejection they can endure.

I feel as if I simply jumped from a bridge, landing in the river of LGBT, kicking behind the float my love lies on. I will kick and support whatever direction he takes. I will call him by whatever name he is most comfortable. I will respect his decisions and his wishes. And no matter what, he is the most beautiful man I’ve ever known, the most gallant gentleman and my forever hero. No legal, chemical, hormonal or surgical transition will change who he is to me. He is my husband.

Maybe it doesn’t matter if others understand. Maybe it only matters that they allow; that they accept; that they embrace all the many ways we humans show up and especially embrace the many ways love shows up. Here we are, right back at human rights, equal rights, the massive missing piece of the puzzle.

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October 27, 2010 - Posted by | The Gay Me | , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. I will be brief:

    The heart that you love your husband with, is the heart that reached out and touched my heart several years ago as you gave the Sunday Sermon at your church.

    The words you spoke that day told me for the very first time that who I was “spiritualy” was ok! Until that day,at 62, I was not sure it was ok to be who I was “spiritually”. I was not sure it was ok to be me. You erased my doubt that Sunday morning, and it has not returned. I will forever be grateful for that.

    Your Lee, has for 12 or 13 years now, been the wonderful person I always call “My son, Lisa”. There are male and female “Frances” “Lynn” “Marion” and so on….who says there can’t be male and female “Lisa”. I have always thought of Lee/Lisa as her HEART not her name. My granddaughter says the Old People can say things that young people can not. As an old person, I may always say Lisa, but her heart will always know it is with love and affection, never any trace of judgement….Lisa has always been the son I never had, but always, always wanted!

    Comment by Donna | November 4, 2010 | Reply

  2. I think of Lee as Lisa as well as my dad. I understand what your saying. And I also understand. To me, the underlined truth is that she is my dad. And one I wouldnt trade for anything in the world. One that I know I could confide in anything happy or sad, angry or overjoyed. And most of all one that treats my mama as the queen that she is. Completes her, makes her content and happy. Something in 30 years Ive yet to see till she found you, Lee. I love you both. Hannah

    Comment by Hannah | November 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I am seldom speechless, seldom at a loss for words, at least written ones. Here on this keyboard, I can usually say exactly what I mean with no stuttering or rambling or confusion. But your precious, sweet, kind words leave with little to say except thank you my sweet daughter. You know he or she by whatever name adores you, too. Thank you for loving my Lee and for loving me. And yes, anything, anytime.

      Comment by New Allie | November 8, 2010 | Reply

  3. Wow Allie! God sure gave us the greatest daughters he ever made!!

    Comment by Donna | November 10, 2010 | Reply


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